just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
