If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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