I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Randomize
