Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
