how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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