I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
