I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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