what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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