Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
