we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
