i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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