I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
