I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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