So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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