He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
