Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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