Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
