I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
