I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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