so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
