2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
try to milk me bitch
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