When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
