I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
