I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
