Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Randomize
