Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Im part way to drunk.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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