I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
