can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Pants are for mortals
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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