I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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