Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
