Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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