remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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