i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
