the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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