I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
