I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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