OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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