Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
