My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
