She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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