Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
