Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
