if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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