Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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