His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
