I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
