i jhust puked up my retainher.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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