We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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