Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
