I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
