Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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