3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
